His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. You accept him as he is or you leave. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. This is her perception. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. Blondie I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. I agree with you both. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! ele4phant Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Not youre wrong and you have to change. Some families really are just that close. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Plan a trip to visit your family. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. 1. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. LW, you are not being unreasonable! ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. allathian Im also curious about how far away the parents live. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Starting over! One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Ann Cannon. Ok, fine, I do this. barf. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. What should I do? And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. We just got thru the holidays. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. Which is totally fine for you. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. It is what they like to do. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her I love girls night out. Red_Lady If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. SpaceySteph I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! This is typically how this dynamic functions. Its sad, but it happens. We were together but doing our own thing. Laura Hope Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. ReginaRey Its time for him to grow up. LolaBeans Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Could that be why theyve been there so much? And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Youre right. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. BGM never agrees with the woman. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. but you have to talk to him about it. CottonTheCuteDog You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. In many cultures that is the norm. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. its a really exciting time for your relationship! The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. every place has natural wonders. Is this normal? Problem I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. She should say something about it to the BF at least. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). LW, what everyone else said. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. ele4phant All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Everyone knows how to throw a frisbee, right? I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. GatorGirl silver_dragon_girl IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. lets_be_honest I was thinking the same thing. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. Just plan something, anything. Same goes for his family out in Queens. I am afraid for humanity. You go along with him to his familys house. GatorGirl It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? 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